Letter From the Nest August 15, 2025
https://open.substack.com/pub/lettersfromthenest/p/back-to-school?r=48qui&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
One August, more than twenty years ago, at an evening book club discussion, my “older” friends (now I look back and know those women were the age I am now), were discussing the woes and triumphs of back-to-school season. One woman was anticipating her youngest child’s senior year of high school. She said, “For more than two decades, our lives have revolved around the school district’s academic calendar. I don’t know how I will plan my life without knowing about school breaks or holidays.” I remember her bittersweet tone as she anticipated freedom from school schedule constraints but also mourned how those constraints guided her choices. What would she do? Other women joined the discussion, wondering if their kids would have good teachers, if they’d be able to balance volunteering in the classroom, how to streamline school supply purchases, and more.
I didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation. Our oldest was just starting kindergarten. Our three-year-old was old enough for preschool, but I hadn’t yet decided if I could tackle organizing a co-op for her (we certainly couldn’t afford paid preschool with Dad just starting a PhD program). Besides that, we had a newborn and had just moved and remodeled our new place. My top-of-the-mind worries had little to do with back-to-school.
I do remember wondering if that dreaded school calendar would run my life for the next twenty-plus years, too. And not just the calendar, but all of the outside influences that came with turning some of the work of raising a child over to a community. Would her teacher understand her? Would the other kids be nice? Would she learn things about life that I would rather her not face just yet? What sort of interactions would be difficult for her, or me?
With each new kindergartener, then middle schooler, then high schooler, our lives began to revolve around the academic calendar. Our days were governed by making lunches in the mornings, getting to school or the bus on time (or not), picking up on time (or not), afternoon homework, and lining up the backpacks each evening to prep for the next day. Our summers started when school got out and ended when school started again. Our holidays were dictated by school holidays.
Most of the time, you had good teachers. Sometimes you didn’t. Sometimes, it wasn’t the teacher who didn’t work out, but the learning model. Sometimes you got into trouble. Sometimes, you had challenging interactions with peers. Sometimes you learned things I would rather not have to learn about or face conflicts or questions that dimmed your bright view of the goodness in the world around you.
More than twenty years later, we’re still governed by that academic calendar. The youngest three are anticipating new school years with new teachers and different people in their classes. There will be both good and not-so-good learning experiences. By 'not-so-good,' I mean experiences I would rather you not have, but even not-so-good learning is part of everybody’s path.
With the youngest entering 5th grade, we still have many more years of back-to-school fun ahead, including a phenomenon I’d like to address called the Meanies.
I didn’t notice the Meanies until your big sister was in high school. Maybe they were always there, but the number of kids in our family multiplied the problem. Or perhaps it’s worse with teens than it is with younger kids. After I explain what I mean, think back on the years and see if you think the Meanies were always around or not.
The back-to-school Meanies are kind of like the Sunday Night Scaries, but worse. (For readers outside of our family, I’ll bring up the Sunday Night Scaries in another letter.)
To understand what the Meanies are, we must first explain how they develop. In our house, summer vacation starts with positive anticipation. We’re looking forward to visiting family, swimming, playing outside, staying up late, sleeping in, playing board games, and eating cool treats. Sounds nice, right? Sure, there’s a bit of an adjustment getting used to being around each other more hours in the day and balancing screen time with work time, but we’re all invested in having a great experience. By the middle of summer, around the 4th of July, we have a groove. We have done some fun things, and we’re looking forward to more. We know what’s expected of us as far as chores and how to balance work and play (at least, we understand the rules even if we don’t always do what we should when we should). But then, along comes August. Summer sports wind down. The big family summer trip is over. We’ve checked off most of the items on our summer bucket lists.
And then,
and then,
and then,
People start talking about school. Adults ask what grade you’ll be in. Friends talk about shopping for a cute first-day outfit and ask you to share your schedule. You’re thinking about the teachers you will have and discussing with others about whether those teachers give out a lot of work or not.
School. It’s happening again. The feelings start to churn. There are happy feelings. It feels good to learn things. To do well on assignments. There’s a sense of accomplishment. But there’s also stress. You remember the difficulties of the previous year. You might have to face people you were glad you didn’t have to see over the summer. You know you’ve grown and changed. People will notice. You wonder what they’ll say.
So much to think about.
And without the sports or trips or bucket list to fill your days, you’re bored AND anxious AND excited.
What happens with all of those feelings? The Meanies. Picking fights with siblings. Overreacting to comments or actions from others that normally wouldn’t get a reaction.
Little things become big things to fill the space and burn the extra energy. I say you don’t need a new backpack, and you “never get anything nice.” Your sister turns off the Nintendo in the middle of a very important Fortnite game, and you throw the remote at her head. You know your dad doesn’t like to be called “bro,” so you call him that and tease him like you do your siblings until you have a ridiculous pile of consequences you can’t negotiate away from.
We don’t want to be around each other anymore. School needs to start soon.
But we don’t want to go to school. Summer needs to last longer.
That’s what the week before the first day of school is like. The Meanies indeed happen in small doses throughout the year, but there’s something about the summer let-down combined with the back-to-school ramp-up that multiplies and magnifies these interactions.
Is there a better name than the Meanies? Probably. Because I don’t think any of us are trying to be mean. In fact, none of us wants to feel that “grrrr” feeling, especially when all we really need is some confidence and peace as we approach another challenging academic year.
What to do? Maybe the only way is through. But, as your mom, I’m praying for peace while prepping for battle. I have many back-to-school years to look back on, and I can say, everything does work out. I wish we weren’t anxious. I wish we were happily engaged in good things right up to the start of school. The reality, however, is that seasons change, stress rises and falls, worries accumulate, and we don’t always show up as our best selves. Let’s try to be a little more understanding of each other and maybe even look for ways to boost each other up, too.
It will all work out. Sometimes I say that to myself at night when I’m feeling bad about the day's failures, and I’m overwhelmed about what’s on my plate for the coming days. I like this quote by Gordon B. Hinckley: “It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us.”
I believe in miracles and I expect them--even in the little things. Maybe our miracle this month will be fewer Meanies. I’d like that.
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