Recently, a school teacher called because one of my children had behaved unkindly toward a fellow student. The incident was bad enough that the other child left class crying and requested to be removed from their reading group. I'm not naive. I know that my children aren't perfect, but still, I was shocked. I thought I had taught him better.
My first reaction was reinforced when his teacher (who I love, by the way) said, "*** hasn't behaved like this before, and it surprised me. Is there anything going on at home that might have set him off?" I responded. "No, nothing out of the ordinary here. I'm sorry you saw that side of him at school." I joked, "Usually he only treats his siblings that way." That sounded bad, so I backtracked and said, "Trust me when I say, that kind of behavior is not allowed at home." After the call, I felt sad that another child had a bad day at school and my son was a part of that. I felt like a bad mom.
At night when the kids are in bed (or at least we wish they were), Rick and I talk about what is going on with each of them. Sometimes we talk about how proud we are of the good things they are doing or share a funny thing one of them said. But other times, we fret about some of the not-so-good things. We ask each other, "Didn't we teach them not to do that? What were they thinking? Why would they do that? Don't they know that's not OK? What's an appropriate consequence? Do they understand what a big deal that is? Did we overreact? How can we help them to develop better habits?" We usually don't have answers to those questions and I fall asleep feeling like a failure. I feel like the Lord of the vineyard in the allegory of the olive tree in The Book of Mormon when he laments, "But what could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have not nourished it?" (Book of Mormon, Jacob 5:47)
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, a friend of mine recently told me of the same worries. As I was thinking of a way to comfort her, I had an insight:
It's not so much what our kids do that matters, it's what we do.
Everybody makes mistakes--children and parents. We are not perfect, but we are practicing for perfection. As with any good practice, mistakes have to be made for growth to occur. This means that sometimes our kids will go against what we have taught them. They may know better. They may have been taught. But they're still practicing.
When I'm learning to play a song on the piano, for example, I'll hit the wrong note, maybe more than once, before I get the fingering and rhythm right. This doesn't mean that I don't know what the note is or how to read the music--it means I need to practice the process of playing the song until it becomes more natural.
Good parents take the idea of practice into account. Our children know that we should control our tempers, but they have to practice. They know that it's important to be kind, but they have to practice. They know they should use clean language and avoid bawdy humor, but they have to practice. And we, as parents, know that our children need loving guidance, support, and leadership; but we have to practice.
Whether our kids always do what we want them to do doesn't make us great parents--it's that we don't give up teaching and loving them.
Don't misunderstand this to mean that we are never disappointed in them, or that we don't discipline them. Discipline is inherent in teaching. And we teach correct principles because we love our children and want the best for them. But, we don't have to feel like failures if we do our part and they make mistakes. Their mistakes are theirs. And ours are ours.
So, in an effort to be better parents, Rick and I have been working to strengthen our relationships with each of our children. We want to generate an atmosphere of respect and love in our home and a key strategy for generating this mutual love and respect is by spending one-on-one time with them.
In the month of January, we were able to take each of our children on a date. Sometimes I took a child out, sometimes Rick, and sometimes both Rick and I went; each child had a turn.
These dates are a great way to know each child individually without other family members interfering. And the planning can be even more bonding than the actual event because it's fun to find out what they really want to do when they get to choose without any input from anybody else.
Makayla wanted to roam around Target, be silly in the isles, buy face masks, cuddle in her bed and talk. Ricky and Andrew wanted to go to a movie and buy lots of candy. Both of them went to movies that addressed the topic of racism and we had some very insightful discussions about how to treat others with dignity and love and why bad things happen to good people. Sean played mini-golf and arcade games and used his tickets to buy thoughtful gifts for his brothers and sisters. Brooklyn wanted to get a smoothie and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, go to a bookstore, and play arcade games. She got a bonus date when Rick took her to the school’s Sock Hop with Pop. Gavin went to McDonald's and Golf 'n Stuff. I don’t have many pictures, but here are a few:
I can't wait to see what we get to do with our children next month. I often find myself marveling at the good, fun, insightful people they are. I want to hug them to pieces sometimes (teen boys don't like that, but it's OK).
I'm so thankful for a family that provides me so many experiences for learning and growth while also making me laugh. They are my greatest joy.
My first reaction was reinforced when his teacher (who I love, by the way) said, "*** hasn't behaved like this before, and it surprised me. Is there anything going on at home that might have set him off?" I responded. "No, nothing out of the ordinary here. I'm sorry you saw that side of him at school." I joked, "Usually he only treats his siblings that way." That sounded bad, so I backtracked and said, "Trust me when I say, that kind of behavior is not allowed at home." After the call, I felt sad that another child had a bad day at school and my son was a part of that. I felt like a bad mom.
At night when the kids are in bed (or at least we wish they were), Rick and I talk about what is going on with each of them. Sometimes we talk about how proud we are of the good things they are doing or share a funny thing one of them said. But other times, we fret about some of the not-so-good things. We ask each other, "Didn't we teach them not to do that? What were they thinking? Why would they do that? Don't they know that's not OK? What's an appropriate consequence? Do they understand what a big deal that is? Did we overreact? How can we help them to develop better habits?" We usually don't have answers to those questions and I fall asleep feeling like a failure. I feel like the Lord of the vineyard in the allegory of the olive tree in The Book of Mormon when he laments, "But what could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have not nourished it?" (Book of Mormon, Jacob 5:47)
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. In fact, a friend of mine recently told me of the same worries. As I was thinking of a way to comfort her, I had an insight:
It's not so much what our kids do that matters, it's what we do.
Everybody makes mistakes--children and parents. We are not perfect, but we are practicing for perfection. As with any good practice, mistakes have to be made for growth to occur. This means that sometimes our kids will go against what we have taught them. They may know better. They may have been taught. But they're still practicing.
When I'm learning to play a song on the piano, for example, I'll hit the wrong note, maybe more than once, before I get the fingering and rhythm right. This doesn't mean that I don't know what the note is or how to read the music--it means I need to practice the process of playing the song until it becomes more natural.
Good parents take the idea of practice into account. Our children know that we should control our tempers, but they have to practice. They know that it's important to be kind, but they have to practice. They know they should use clean language and avoid bawdy humor, but they have to practice. And we, as parents, know that our children need loving guidance, support, and leadership; but we have to practice.
Whether our kids always do what we want them to do doesn't make us great parents--it's that we don't give up teaching and loving them.
Don't misunderstand this to mean that we are never disappointed in them, or that we don't discipline them. Discipline is inherent in teaching. And we teach correct principles because we love our children and want the best for them. But, we don't have to feel like failures if we do our part and they make mistakes. Their mistakes are theirs. And ours are ours.
So, in an effort to be better parents, Rick and I have been working to strengthen our relationships with each of our children. We want to generate an atmosphere of respect and love in our home and a key strategy for generating this mutual love and respect is by spending one-on-one time with them.
In the month of January, we were able to take each of our children on a date. Sometimes I took a child out, sometimes Rick, and sometimes both Rick and I went; each child had a turn.
These dates are a great way to know each child individually without other family members interfering. And the planning can be even more bonding than the actual event because it's fun to find out what they really want to do when they get to choose without any input from anybody else.
Makayla wanted to roam around Target, be silly in the isles, buy face masks, cuddle in her bed and talk. Ricky and Andrew wanted to go to a movie and buy lots of candy. Both of them went to movies that addressed the topic of racism and we had some very insightful discussions about how to treat others with dignity and love and why bad things happen to good people. Sean played mini-golf and arcade games and used his tickets to buy thoughtful gifts for his brothers and sisters. Brooklyn wanted to get a smoothie and Krispy Kreme doughnuts, go to a bookstore, and play arcade games. She got a bonus date when Rick took her to the school’s Sock Hop with Pop. Gavin went to McDonald's and Golf 'n Stuff. I don’t have many pictures, but here are a few:
I can't wait to see what we get to do with our children next month. I often find myself marveling at the good, fun, insightful people they are. I want to hug them to pieces sometimes (teen boys don't like that, but it's OK).
I'm so thankful for a family that provides me so many experiences for learning and growth while also making me laugh. They are my greatest joy.
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