Next week is our fifth week of school (distance learning) and I’m still struggling to find a rhythm. The first day of Kindergarten was rough. Gavin cried, "But I want to go to REAL kindergarten. With a classroom and kids and where I see my teacher!" Last week, Gavin had his 5-year old checkup. The doctor asked if he was going to school. Gavin said, "Yes. Well, not actual real school because of coronavirus, but maybe, one day, when it's safe, we can go." That kid! It's weird to hear 10-year-old words come from a 40-pound kindergartener.
One more—I insisted Emily wear a helmet when she rides her bike around the dangerous streets of Provo. Makayla sent me this picture to prove Emily’s obedience and wisdom.
I miss the girls, while also being excited for them to experience all the good and not-so-good college life will bring them. I am so impressed with young people these days. It's not an easy world for them. Their kindness and regard for others even when dealing with their own problems encourages me to do the same in my own life.
I don't have first-day of school pics. I could blame the wretched virus because everything is the virsus's fault, right? But not this. I don't have first-day pictures because I always forget to take them and if I remember and pull out my phone to snap some pictures, it feels forced and unnatural and my kids don't want to pose and I don't want to fight. This is what I do have:
I dared Ricky to go to school without pants on the first day like those awful nightmares where you show up to something very public and important in your underwear. He didn't take me up on the dare. Too bad because maybe he wouldn't have those nightmares anymore because he already did it and nothing bad happened. It's probably better that he didn't do it because he'd probably forget that he wasn't wearing pants and stand up in front of his laptop to grab a snack and flash the whole class a peek of his underwear and the nightmare would come true.
I do miss some things about “real school.” One of these things surprised me--school bells. Even after a month of practice, my kids are still logging in late to classes or completely forgetting them. When kids are at real school, they rarely forget to go to class--unless, of course, it's intentional forgetfulness, like hiding in the bathroom because it's the day for oral presentations and you'd rather get an F than talk in front of a class of peers. (Can you tell I have experience with that particular form of forgetfulness?)
The older kids are great at attending their classes--it's Brooklyn, Gavin, and sometimes Sean that rely on me to remind them of the time and help them log in. To prevent missed classes, I spend a few minutes every morning reviewing the kids' schedules and setting up alarms on my phone to go off five minutes before each Google Meet. This strategy isn't completely foolproof because I don't always have my phone. And sometimes, I'm on a phone call or in the middle of something and my dumb alarm goes off and I'm annoyed, so I cancel the alarm and continue with my task. Twenty minutes later, I realize my mistake and say, "Oh well. We missed another one." Sean missed orchestra today. Brooklyn missed a small group and a math class earlier in the week. Gavin missed music. Its not a big deal--at least, that's what I keep telling myself and the kids. We do our best and try not to worry about the rest.
What else do I miss about "real school." Well, obviously, autonomy over my time. That's kind of a joke, though, because who has full autonomy over their time? We all have responsibilities and people who count on us to be at certain places at certain times doing certain things. Still, this was supposed to be my year to finally have all the kids at school. I imagined a block of about six hours where I'd exercise undisturbed, clean the kitchen, do the laundry and the grocery shopping, go to the temple, volunteer at school, visit my lonely older friends more often, and maybe even have an hour or two of peace to work on other projects that interest me.
My reality right now is far from the dream. I bounce from child to chore to child--logging Brooklyn into class, unloading a few dishes from the dishwasher, tutoring Ricky in math or chemistry, moving a load of laundry, uploading Gavin's completed letter page, cleaning the kitchen again because all this time people are eating and leaving dishes and food strewn about. I don't spend more than about twenty minutes on any one thing at a time, so by the end of the day, I feel scattered and unproductive. It's kind of like how my life has been for the past twenty years, but more choppy. It's okay and I don't hate it, but it's wearing me down. On Friday afternoons, I put the computers and schoolwork away and don't want to see them until Monday.
Still, there are a lot of things I don't miss about real school--maybe even more than the things I do miss. I don't miss the morning rush--throwing slapped-together PB&J sandwiches into lunchboxes, stuffing backpacks, lying to the kids when I say they don’t need breakfast as we pile in the van to speed down to the bus stop only to miss the bus because they forgot something, or we make it to the bus stop only to find one of the kids still doesn't have their shoes on, so we wave the bus onward and I drive to school. Nope. Don't miss that.
I also don't miss the time I used to spend driving--about an hour a day getting kids to and from school or the bus stop depending on the school or the kid.
Speaking of the bus, I don't miss the garbage the kids experience with their peers nearly every day--the inappropriate conversations they either dodge or indulge, the pressure to dress a certain way or talk a certain way. They can be themselves at home with each other, and even though they get plenty of flack from each other, it's not nearly the pressures they would experience at school. All of those in-between moments (going from class to class, recess, lunch, downtime) belong to me or their siblings. They are each other's classmates, in a sense, and I think it's great.
I also like that I can offer the kids choices about how they structure their time. "Do you want to work on math for twenty minutes, or take a break and have a snack?" "Do you want to practice the piano or put the laundry away?" They still have the work, but they get to decide the order based on their individual needs. Recess is swimming or skateboarding. Gavin has learned front and back flips into the pool. Sometimes I take kids to the store with me, but most of the time they stay home, ready to unload the car and eat all of the food because they’re STARVING.
This summer has been rough and it's not just because of the dumb pandemic. Our family has had some unexpected stressors and physical challenges that have made the summer of 2020 especially unforgettable and difficult. Maybe I'll write about them all one day, but for now I'll say I have felt like how Jim Gaffigan described having a bunch of kids. It's like you're treading water, keeping your family afloat, and somebody throws you a baby, and then another, and then another. I have felt like this summer has been like that--maybe add some circling sharks to represent uncertainty and you'd have the full effect.
I have been doing my best to stay afloat, but for a while there, I was sure I'd sink and sometimes wished to sink just for a bit of relief. I thought more than once, “This is too much for me. Way too much." But now that I'm on the other side of a few of the challenges and I have made it through okay, I can see some of the growth and insight I have gained including the willingness to be hopeful instead of reasonable. Sometimes seeing miracles requires us to suspend pure logic so that we can believe in illogical, but still real solutions.
I have felt very hopeful about the upcoming school year. I think my kids are doing just as good as they can be and even though I grumble about the extra work and chaos, I can’t truly say I’d have it any other way.
By the way, I took the girls to Provo a couple of weeks ago. My phone was having problems, so I hardly took any pictures, but I managed to get a couple of shots of my Dad pulling a piece of metal out of my back tire and repairing it for me (bless him!!) Also, Emily and I walked to the Monticello temple a few blocks from my parents' new house.
One more—I insisted Emily wear a helmet when she rides her bike around the dangerous streets of Provo. Makayla sent me this picture to prove Emily’s obedience and wisdom.
I miss the girls, while also being excited for them to experience all the good and not-so-good college life will bring them. I am so impressed with young people these days. It's not an easy world for them. Their kindness and regard for others even when dealing with their own problems encourages me to do the same in my own life.
So, back to school. New routines. New living arrangments. New challenges. New growth. We can do this!
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