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Gathering Expectations

 Letters From the Nest, December 20, 2024

https://lettersfromthenest.substack.com/p/gathering-expectations

A big aspect of the holiday season is gathering—visiting family, work and school parties, church events, concerts, caroling. For those who love a packed social calendar, it’s literally “the most wonderful time of year.” For the more reclusive types (me), it’s a season of careful planning. I saw a T-shirt that said, “Of course, I want to be invited. I just won’t show up.”

Our large family is automatically at odds with my introverted nature. When we’re all together, I wonder how I managed the years with the constant noise and interaction of crying babies, busy toddlers, active grade schoolers, and teens. Add different social needs and maturity levels to the mix, and it’s no surprise that walk-in closets and parked cars became my secret sanctuaries. (Although, not so secret because you guys always manage to find me and my hidden white chocolate-dipped Oreos.)

With more than half of our children moved out, I have become accustomed to our quieter house. I look forward to the renewing peace I experience when you all head off to school and work, and I have a few hours to work without any required interactions. This alone time fuels me and is just long enough, but not so long that I find myself talking to the plants while I fold the laundry.

Last month, I was pretty nervous about everybody being home for Thanksgiving break. How would I handle the constant “happenings.” I felt bad about this because I truly love you people, and I like being around you. I wondered, if I truly love people, why is it hard for me to be around them? This incongruency fed many anticipatory questions. Would I be able to spend one-on-one time with the people I care for? Would they have meaningful interactions with each other? Would there be stupid miscommunications or disagreements? Would somebody get their feelings hurt? Would the younger siblings connect to the older siblings or feel left out? Would I be able to keep up with life tasks like dishes, laundry, and tidying up while also finding time to enjoy a moment or two of relaxation? What would we eat? Would my cursed migraines make me miss out on good conversations and funny stories? What if all of my worries came to pass? I imagined myself yelling, “Just love each other, OK!!!!”

These conscious and unconscious worries swirled around my brain and sat in my gut until the first airport pickup when, all of a sudden, those worries didn’t matter. On the whole, it was a lovely time. Busy, but lovely. And when everybody went home, the house felt empty rather than peaceful.

So, as I anticipate another fun-filled week, I can put my worries aside because Thanksgiving break reminded me of what I had learned during the 2020 Lockdown. There will always be somebody around or something going on, but not EVERYbody has to do EVERY thing or be around EVERY person ALL of the time. This is the glory of a large family. One might think having a large family is overwhelming and socially taxing. It can be, but many people don’t think about the flexibility the large group dynamic provides. Think about it--more people equals more possible social combinations and activities. Do you feel like playing a 2-person board game? Find a partner. Do you want to have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen? Turn on some music, and soon you won’t be dancing alone. Is one person too abrasive for your liking at the moment? Find somebody else to sit and color Christmas coloring pages with you. Do you need to get out of the house? Go for a solo Chik-Fila run or offer to walk down the long driveway to get the mail. Invitations to be more engaged will always be there, and opportunities for space will also be there. A variety of experiences is most likely what you need and what you’ll get with our family.

As I write this, I realize that this type of large-group dynamic isn’t true in every large family, so I’m especially grateful for the kind of love and mutual respect that exists in ours. If somebody says they need a little space, they get it. If somebody reaches out to engage, they can get a response. Sure, there’s teasing. Sometimes, one person is the underdog, but things quickly shift with the next joke or situation. I love our compassionate crew and look forward to a fantastic Christmas break with them.



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