Letters from the Nest
https://open.substack.com/pub/lettersfromthenest/p/how-do-you-get-out-of-bed-in-the?r=48qui&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
How do you get yourself out of bed in the morning? Most of you would answer, You do it. That’s all. You get out of bed. It doesn’t seem like it should be a question. For others, it IS a question, and one that you must address at least once a day.
This is how I do it. I start with some validating self-talk. “It’s morning. So many opportunities! You got this!” You know, things like that. Sometimes I wake up with song lyrics in my head, and I sing those: “I believe I can fly.” (Space Jam, anyone?) My validating phrases and songs are usually out loud, but they can stay in my head when my energy is especially low or when your dad is still sleeping. The motivational monologue continues as I roll to the side, shift my legs off the bed, let gravity pull me into a slide until my feet hit the floor, and I make my legs rigid enough to stand rather than slump like a slug down to the cold floor. Once I’m upright, I take a step toward the bathroom, and another, and another. It doesn’t matter how slowly I move as long as I’m moving. I know that as the morning progresses, I will pick up speed.
This talking, singing, moving strategy doesn’t just help me get going in the morning; I use it all day long. I talk to myself. I put on loud music and sing along. I move slowly through my daily tasks — one deliberate step at a time.
Unfortunately, I’m noticing it’s more difficult lately to talk, sing, or move myself through the day. I’m frustrated at how much willpower and motivation it takes to do things that seem second nature to others. I’m annoyed that I have to talk myself into things at all, so I’m pondering motivation this week. What makes doing life stuff easy? What can be frustrating? Where am I getting stuck? What new perspectives can I take to help me lose some of the sludge?
The first key to unlocking motivation is understanding how I respond to expectations. I have an obligatory personality. A couple of you have read The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin. In fact, I talked with you about your tendencies when I first read the book, just before the pandemic. The author discusses how we respond to both inner and outer expectations, and divides people into four common categories: Obliger, Upholder, Rebel, and Questioner. It’s not super scientific, but understanding your likely responses to expectations can provide some insights into motivation and behavior. As an “Obliger,” I am really good at keeping my commitments to others. Explicit and implied expectations derived from my role as a mother and wife motivate most of my daily tasks. Of course, it starts with getting out of bed — I start my day by helping you start yours.
As an Obliger, I am much better at keeping up with household tasks when I factor in outside expectations. I will stay on top of laundry when I anticipate you’ll want to wear your favorite outfit or when you’re running low on clean underwear. I load and run the dishwasher when I know your water bottles for school are in there, and you need them clean by morning. I buy groceries and make meals not because I care too much about what I eat, but because I want you to benefit from family meal time.
The Obliger aspect of my personality makes me very reliable. I rarely miss deadlines. When I say I’ll do something, I do it because I’d rather exhaust myself than face the nagging feeling that I’m letting somebody down.
Unfortunately, as with all personality traits, there are definite downsides to being an Obliger. The biggest one for me is the potential for resentment to build when people (intentionally or unintentionally) take advantage of my willingness to do things. This is especially magnified when my capacity doesn’t match up to requests, or I sense another person is shifting work to me because they don’t see the value in doing it themselves.
Still, it’s good to know that I’m driven to meet external obligations, and it’s okay to function that way as long as I can see value and purpose in the work I choose to do and set clear and appropriate boundaries.
Aside from meeting expectations, what else drives me? Honestly, I could be disturbed by how much my life revolves around meeting outside obligations, but it’s not all about other people. I like tidy and organized spaces. I like order. Few things disturb my peace more than last-minute emergencies born of poor planning and preparation (i.e., “The bus is coming! Where are my shoes?”).
I’m also a curious person. I love to learn. I like the sense of accomplishment I feel when I have solved a problem or faced a challenging task. I am sort of a nerd. Instead of doing my “important” work one day last week, I made a list of books to read in 2026 that start with letters A to Z. I had such a good time compiling the list, and I can hardly wait until January 1 to get started. What motivated me to do that? Why am I not just as inspired to declutter the cabinets?
Another significant motivator on my mind this week is habits. Maybe people don’t have to talk themselves out of bed because they have a habit of simply getting up on cue. Perhaps I have unintentionally trained myself to require a morning pep talk.
In an effort to gather more strategies for putting the brakes on my seasonal slump, I recently revisited my copy of The Upward Spiral by Alex Korb. Dr. Korb is a neuroscientist and self-proclaimed over-thinker. In his book, he describes his own experiences with depression and anxiety and provides evidence-based strategies for healing. Chapter 4 addresses unhelpful habits, and Chapter 8 addresses positive habits. I want to harness the power of positive habits so that I can do less of talking myself into doing things and more simply doing. I know habit development can take time, and I’m not going to immediately rid myself of all unhelpful habits to replace them with the best habits. Still, I can intentionally isolate one or two.
Do you think about this stuff? Do you recognize some of these patterns in your own life? What works for you? What are your drivers? How do you get out of bed in the morning?
Love,
Mom
I captured this sunrise on an early morning drive to teach seminary a year ago. It never got easier to get up each morning, but it was worth it every time.
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