https://open.substack.com/pub/lettersfromthenest/p/striving?r=48qui&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Striving - The act or practice of trying hard to do, reach, or achieve something; vigorous effort.
Striving is an innate quality that, at its most basic, keeps you alive. As you develop, learn more about the world around you, and gain skills beyond pure reflex, your striving develops to accommodate a sense of purpose and fulfillment beyond survival.
This vigorous effort is driven by two questions: What do you need/want? How will you get it?
Striving seems to be closely connected to a sense of agency. You won’t believe the rabbit hole I fell into this morning researching how scientists define a sense of agency. If you want to nerd out, there’s this article: https://academic.oup.com/nc/article/2020/1/niaa019/5890345.
For this letter, let’s say that when a person believes their actions will have the intended consequence, they’re more likely to act. If it’s not obvious that a behavior will achieve intended results because of factors like time, distance, or clarity, they’re less confident in taking that action, and striving can be squashed. (I have never read “squashed” in a scientific journal. Why don’t scientists use more fun words? If I were a researcher, I’d look for ways to sneak words like that into my papers. I can hear you telling me, “Maybe that’s why you’re not a scholarly researcher.” You’re right. Maybe it’s too serious for me.)
So, striving. That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. For me, it encompasses everything from basic needs to self-fulfillment.
Oh dear, another rabbit hole. Fulfillment. How do scientists define a sense of fulfillment, meaning, and purpose? The scientific research is more fun on this one because it’s grounded in positive psychology, which is a field less concerned with diagnosing and solving problems and more focused on acknowledging and accentuating what is going well. Flourishing is a major topic in positive psychology and is related to fulfillment. I like these articles (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9563392/ and https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0732118X25000418), which define fulfillment along a variety of measures. I didn’t find any funny words in these articles either, though. Too bad.
So, striving is related to a sense of agency, and when our basic needs are met, humans strive for fulfillment, or self-actualization.
You might understand the principle of striving through a religious framework, though, even people who are not religious believe in that sense of wholeness that accompanies successful striving. In simple language, from a very young age, we are conditioned to be a little better each day. This implies developing our talents, serving the people around us with the skills we have acquired, and seeking to recognize and overcome our personal shortcomings. We are encouraged to “live our best lives” (though it may be interpreted differently depending on the source).
Striving is one of those things that can sometimes morph from a helpful driver to a hindrance. Being a striver can be good if you don’t tip over the edge into perfectionistic self-criticism that can quickly lead to burnout and stagnation. Also, striving without a positive sense of agency can also lead to feelings of hopelessness and, therefore, sabotage the potential fulfillment or wholeness that comes from intentional vigorous effort.
Thoughts about striving, agency, and fulfillment have been marinating in my mind for some time. I have gotten some messages lately that I’m trying too hard, that I need to be patient with changes, and that I won’t always see or recognize results of my efforts immediately. All of this might be true. Some of you like the song “Vienna” by Billy Joel. In fact, my friend sent me a poster to hang up with these lyrics,
“Slow down, you’re doing fine,
You can’t be everything you want to be before your time.”
Hmmmm, you think she’s trying to tell me something? She’s not the only one who has said it. I am, indeed, an impatient striver. But on the other hand, I am not satisfied with, nor do I find it remotely fulfilling, staying as I am. I believe in growth and development. Maybe my striving is a little fear-driven because I’m afraid that if I’m not trying for something, I will become so depressed and lethargic that I may lose the drive to care for even my most basic needs, and then what? What about the other people for whom I am responsible? What about their wants and needs? So I strive for myself and for them.
I’m guessing, like so many other things in life, the opposites are true.
Be patient--Don’t wait
Keep pushing--Rest
Expect results--You might not see them
You’re doing well--You could do better
You’re already there--You still have a journey ahead of you
This is complicated--This is simple
Well, once again, I don’t have answers. You just went for a swim in my marinating mind by reading a lengthy, disjointed letter.
Before I sign off, here’s another thing I’m thinking about, and maybe I’ll come back to it--What happens when, in our striving, we fall prey to shortcuts because the lack of immediacy and clarity (factors that increase sense of agency) trick us into thinking the shortcut behavior is working, when it’s actually longer-term sabotage? I’m thinking of behaviors like avoidance, lying, cheating, or using aggression and fear to influence others. It’s a whole other topic to think about right?
What do you think? What makes us try too hard or not enough? How can we recognize progress when it’s not immediate or obvious? What is the role of having a sense of agency in encouraging behaviors that lead to growth and ultimate success? Am I thinking too hard about these things? Am I better off getting on with life? Is your mom a philosophical weirdo? (Let’s talk about those first questions, but you can keep the answers to those last few questions to yourself.)
Love,
Mom
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