Dear Children,
The other day, we were talking about superpowers. One of you said you’d like to change your preferred super power (if you ever had one) from flying to conversing with animals. Your brother and I didn’t think that was much of a superpower. “What do you think they would say?” We argued. “Animals don’t think the same things we think. They only care about food and shelter.” Of course, we were oversimplifying to make a point because it’s true that our pets do love us in their own way, and a lot of animals do have incredible memories and problem-solving strategies. “But,” we persisted, “Do you think they are really thinking what we think they’re thinking? Their thoughts are what we say their thoughts are. We interpret their behaviors based on what we think we would feel if we were them.”
We do the same with babies and toddlers. One delightful pastime that has emerged in our family group chat is captioning cute pictures of the grandson. He’s adorable, and he makes the funniest faces. We also do this in person. I like to give him the voice of an old English aristocrat, “Would you be a dear and cut these strawberries into smaller pieces?” “Please bring me my evening beverage.” “Please bring me my sweater--the one that matches my eyes.”
One of you is planning a wedding. You call me nearly every day to talk through details. Recently, you asked, “What is the role of the groom at the bridal shower?” I don’t know why I’m the source of these answers because I just type my question into Google while we’re on the phone, but at least this time, I had a story to share about your older sister’s bridal shower. Your brother-in-law was invited to participate in a few games at the end of the evening. One of them consisted of all of the guests (including the groom) answering questions about the bride. The idea was to see who knew the bride better--the groom or her family and friends. Your brother-in-law definitely won that game. You weren’t sure how you’d do if you participated in a game like that. You said, “I think I know her pretty well. But, honestly, she’s a mystery to me in a lot of ways.” I said, “Isn’t that okay? You get to learn about each other for the rest of your lives. Besides, even when you’re as close as can be, you can’t completely know a person. And people change. You wouldn’t want to pin each other to always believing or behaving a certain way. I used to love Whatchamacallit candy bars, but then your dad bought me a case when I was pregnant with your little sister. It took a few years for me to love them again after that.”
I often have the urge to write about my ancestors, but when I sit down to tell a story, I worry that I don’t really know enough about them or that I’m pinning them to a certain belief that might not even apply. I’m sure I’m interpreting their behavior through my own lens and not through theirs. I can’t know their thoughts unless they wrote them down. Even then, what they thought about a moment in their lives or a decision they made could have changed based on what happened next or how others reacted.
On the other hand, I do believe that my ancestor’s stories should be told, and the connection I feel with them should be fostered--even if I don’t get it exactly right, right?
My friend Jamie’s letter last week (on-colorado) inspired me. She wrote about her ancestors in a way that maintains a connection without absolute knowledge. She described a photograph depicting her great-grandmother’s wedding day. I love the beautiful details. I read through the entire piece without looking at the photograph, so that when I saw the photograph, it wasn’t what I imagined, but it was right. The details she pointed out in the description were magnified for me. Of course, the details she noticed were an interpretation based on her own life experiences and wonders, but, for me, it was her questions and curiosity about the people that mattered. What she noticed and what she wondered about helped me to know both her and her ancestors. I hope her children value that perspective.
So, after much rambling and thinking about how we know people and how our perspectives change, I turn to Family Search to find an inspiring photograph. I click from picture to picture, remembering stories your grandma has told me. I ask myself, what inspires me about these moments in time--the circumstances they’re in, their facial expressions, how they presented themselves when the camera clicked? What details do I linger on and why?
After about half an hour of meandering through memories, I haven’t yet found a photograph I want to write about, but I remember a photograph of my grandmother, your great-grandmother. It’s not on Family Search because it’s not a photograph she would have wanted shared with the public. In fact, when I ask my mom to send a scanned copy because I want to write about it, she jokes that my grandma might haunt me. I’m going to do it anyway, and I hope that if Grandma finds out what I have written, she will recognize the admiration behind my words, and if she does haunt me, it will be a happy haunting.
This photograph is not posed. It does not commemorate a special occasion. It’s an everyday-life photograph, and as such, it’s not super flattering. I don’t know who took the photograph--I suspect one of her children--maybe her husband.
I was 5 years old when my grandma died. She was only 65. I remember her from pictures, but most of what I know about her I know from her journal, which I transcribed from cursive into a typewritten manuscript when I was a teen.
Her journal is a record of the daily weather, where she went, who she visited, how she was feeling (it seems she often had a cold). She doesn’t say a whole lot about her private thoughts and feelings, but they come through in the writing by what she shares.
What do I know about her?
Grandma cared about family history work. She loved her family and was proud of their small and large successes.She was often in awe at the growth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during her lifetime. Her parents were converts and immigrants from England. Her husband was also a convert. Her health limited her throughout her life. She felt very keenly the phrase, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” When her kids were still living at home, she wore a safety pin on her moo moo when she knew she wasn’t going to be at her best as a signal that said, “Don’t push me.” She had a good sense of humor. She despised hot weather while Grandpa despised cold weather. She had wild reddish curly hair.
What do I see in this photograph?
Grandma is in her moo moo at the ironing board with her back to the photographer. She is looking over her shoulder at the photographer. She’s not really smiling, but she’s not frowning either. She’s working and she has been interrupted. Her hair is a little wild. She has cark circles under her eyes. There is a bookcase in the background. It mostly holds non-fiction books--encyclopedias and genealogy binders. A photograph of her oldest child, my Uncle Mike in a white shirt and tie, is prominently displayed on the desk or side table behind the ironing board. Behind the photo of Uncle Mike is another photograph that looks like a class graduation picture. It’s certainly a collection of a lot of people. The background on the left side of the photograph shows a floral TV tray. As in, a photograph was taken of her when she didn’t expect it and didn’t want it.
What do I have in common with my Grandma?
I care about family history work. I love my family and am proud of their small and large successes. My health sometimes limits me. More than once, I have thought, “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I don’t wear a safety pin, but I often say, “I don’t have the capacity for that today.” Sometimes I will go out to the garage for something and not come back in the house for a while. Sometimes, I get in one of the cars in the backseat and take a few deep breaths to center myself and talk myself into doing all of the things I feel too grumpy to do. I like to think I have a good sense of humor. I don’t despise hot weather. I love it. I’m probably more like Grandpa in this respect. My hair can look pretty wild when I’m having “a day,” but it’s not hard to tame it when I want to put in the effort. Most recently, when reading her journal, I found that we read and liked the same book series--All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot.
What do I wonder?
Did she have to talk herself into ironing? How often did she eat from that foldable TV tray (often enough that it wasn’t folded and put away)? Did she have more than one moo moo, or just the one? If she had more than one, was this one her favorite? Did she have a favorite hiding spot? (I know she couldn’t have hidden in the garage like me because that’s where Grandpa hid).
Speaking of Grandpa, how did she and Grandpa handle conflict? She mentions in her journal getting on each other’s nerves, and how she liked a quiet space for reflection and contemplation, while he always liked to have the radio playing.
Did she ever wonder, like I do, whether what she was doing with her limited capacity really even mattered?
What was she afraid of? Did she worry about her kids, or was she more of the mind that she could trust God and everything would eventually work out?
What was her most difficult conversation and why? What were her regrets?
I could guess the answer to some of these questions, but I think the answers aren’t really the point--it’s the wondering that fosters connection. I’m giving you a perspective on me and my preferences and worries, while also exposing some things about your great-grandmother.
Since I know Grandma didn’t love this picture of her in the midst of her work, I thought I’d share a few “sniped” pictures of me in the midst of my work. Unfortunately, I’m the picture-taker at our house, and I’m quick to delete photos I don’t like of myself. So, instead of sharing a photograph of me, I am going to give you permission to keep and share those awful pictures you might have. Perhaps one day, you, your children, or your children’s children will look at those pictures and wonder about me. What will you ask based on what you know? What details will stand out to you and why? What you say about those pictures will say a lot about you.
Love,
Mom
Addition - - -
I enjoyed this. 😊 Did you notice Grandpa Allen's radio - amplifier equipment also in the bookcase? Look at the big tubes! 😉The encyclopedia was well used, as we had no internet to use for school papers. That's Mike's High School graduation picture. I remember seeing the picture of all the people in the background but don't remember who it was. Could it be Mike with his Marine Boot Camp Buddies when they graduated? The TV trays were always handy. Many meals were enjoyed in front of our new color tv (under Mike's picture) on them. I took the picture. I wonder what she is ironing. It doesn't really look like a shirt, sheet or a pillow case. I think it's part of her temple clothing that she cared for with great love. ❤️ Her favorite moo moo was a pale yellow with red banded neck and sleeves and reddish flowers. If it's Saturday, she will soon be washing her hair in the kitchen sink using Suave egg shampoo, then her hair will be adorned with pink snap on curlers in preparation for Sunday meetings. She'll cover her hair and curlers with a scarf but won't go out in public while wearing them, so if shopping is needed she'll take me to the store with a shopping list and $20.00 to buy the week's groceries. I was about eight years old. She'll wait in the car in the parking lot and drive me and the groceries home, sometimes stopping at the dime store so I could run in and get a treat or a toy. Thank you for reminding me about this picture. It brought back many good memories. 🌸