Letters From the Nest, September 15, 2023
https://lettersfromthenest.substack.com/p/counteract-triggers
As parents, our responsibilities to care for our children produce a myriad of duties: cooking, cleaning, medical care, education, entertainment, transportation, and more. In some cases, I excel at performing my duties. Other times, I wish to quote Nacho from the acclaimed movie Nacho Libre, “Okay, maybe I’m not meant for these duties. Cooking duty. Dead guy duty. Maybe it’s time for me to get a better duty!”
One responsibility I take seriously is the mental health and development of our children, especially since it can also affect their physical and spiritual safety and growth. Sometimes, my interest in being the family psychologist can get annoying. When there is chaos in the kitchen because the kids are fighting over who will clean the counters or load the dishwasher and one child complains that another child isn’t “doing anything” (even if the shirker is nearly a decade younger than the complainer), nobody appreciates my therapy-mom voice drifting over their heads, “Breathe in through your nose. Smell the soup. Breathe out through your mouth. Cool the soup. Breathe in through your nose. Out through your mouth. Smell the soup. Cool the soup.” I’m likely to be whipped with a dish towel when I do that.
So, maybe this Letter From the Nest is the perfect venue for a mini psychology lecture from yours truly, Dr. Mama B. I heard about this idea recently and thought I could share it here and pretend I’m smart and informed before it becomes another Instagram cliche. (Since Instagram and I aren’t super close friends, maybe everybody knows about this but me?)
Let’s start with an idea that is cliche--“triggers.” There are “trigger warnings” in book reviews, commercials, and media. People will say, “That triggers me,” or “Crowded rooms are one of my triggers.” Basically, distressing mental states have triggers, and if you know your triggers, you can be intentional about avoiding them, and thus, protecting your mental health.
This talk about triggers annoys me because it seems like an immature response to challenges. Maybe avoidance is effective in the short run or if you’re in significant mental distress, but it seems like learning to process your emotional response to triggers would be a more long-term solution than avoidance. Realistically, we can’t avoid every trigger.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder in July of 2022 after a battle of nearly a year. Medication and therapy help, but I still fight the underlying darkness that hasn’t completely left for more than a day or two in the past few years.
At the onset of the darkness, I excused and ignored my feelings in much the same way that I had when I experienced postpartum depression with a few of our babies. I figured our family experienced a lot of challenges all at once, including a miscarriage, remodeling a house and putting it on the market, moving across the county, living in rentals too small for our family, and remodeling another house. I assumed I’d feel better when things settled down (the biggest lie we always tell because do things ever really settle?).
Stress is a part of my life (and yours). Sure, it fluctuates, but there’s no avoiding it. I couldn’t avoid every trigger, and I wasn’t feeling any better, so I began to search for ways to cope.
Coping strategies (another cliche?) can include types of meditation and mindfulness, reframing, emotional literacy, radical acceptance, visualization, and other techniques. Healthy development isn’t just about the absence of negative but the presence of positive. I tried many coping strategies--soaking in the sun, pursuing personal interests, exercising consistently, meditating, connecting with close family and friends, reading inspiring stories, and listening to uplifting music.
I experience a sense of empowerment in taking charge of my care. I don’t have to be passive about how I feel. I can work to restore my joy and energy. And it is work. And, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work, but I keep trying, which is how I came across this latest idea that is sure to become the next mental health cliche--glimmers.
“Glimmers," as defined by Polyvagal Theory, refer to micro-moments of connection, safety, and positive engagement that can shift our nervous system’s response from defense to calm. These experiences activate the social engagement system, fostering feelings of safety, trust, and well-being. Glimmers can be both subtle and profound, and they play a pivotal role in our overall emotional and physical wellness.” (https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/10/discovering-glimmers/)
Just as you would monitor your environment for triggers in order to be prepared to avoid (or even better, process and respond), you would improve your mindset by monitoring your environment for glimmers. This isn’t an absolutely new idea, just new semantics. Psychologists have encouraged gratitude journals for decades.
What are your glimmers?
Some of mine are bright flowers, sunshine, laughter, warmth, good book recommendations, quirky jokes, funny videos, fresh fruit, laundry right out of the dryer, smiles, sunsets, sunrises, good-smelling cologne, music that matches my mood, success at solving puzzles, easy meals, and compliments.
Be intentional about identifying and seeking out the glimmers you experience in everyday life. You heard it from Dr. Mama B first.
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