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You Deserve This (Or Do You?)

 April 21, 2023 Letters From The Nest

I enter a room to an onslaught of both crying and cackling. I have more than one kid, so this has happened more than one time. It’s the nature of family life--at least, it’s the nature of our family life. This time, the altercation involves a five-year-old boy and his 13-year-old brother. I look to the 13-year-old cackler for an explanation.

“He totally deserves it.” Cackler cackles.


“You deserve it!” Crier cries, cradling his elbow.


“What happened?” I sit on the couch and scoop Crier onto my lap to check for damage. 


Nothing serious, of course.


The story comes out. Cackler closed Crier’s computer when Crier was just about to win the game of his life. Crier attempted to kick Cackler in the shin, but Cackler dodged, so Crier pulled back for a powerful punch to the part he could reach, which would cause the most pain (think of the height difference between a typical 5-year-old and 13-year-old boy and you can probably guess what he was going for). As Crier pulled back for the punch, he crashed his funny bone into the corner of the door frame.


CRACK! *Cry* Cackle.


He deserves it.


Deserves it?


In the dreary days of winter, I went on a cruise from New Orleans to Mexico. I spent five days with friends sightseeing, sun-soaking, eating meals I did not prepare, laughing at stupid jokes, and staring off into the distance without the threat of a to-do list or a shadowy winter storm threatening my enjoyment.


Before the trip, as I arranged for helpers to substitute for seminary and help Rick with rides for the kids to practices, work, or school, people would say things like, “I’m glad you’re going on this trip. You deserve it.”


At the opening festivities, the energetic cruise director, in his slim-fit pants and patterned nylon shirt, illuminated us on the ship’s amenities. Amidst descriptions of luxuries such as all-you-can-eat cake and BINGO night, he threw out phrases like, “Treat yourself.” and “You deserve this!”


Deserve this?


Why does this word “deserve” rankle so? Whether or not I hear it used positively or negatively, I clench my teeth and gear up for a lengthy debate. NO! 


Nobody deserves anything.


What does that even mean?!? Are we talking about karma? Comeuppance? 


Entitlement? Blessings? Fair dues?


When I look up the definition on the ever-so-handy dictionary.com, this is the sentiment: to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.


That sounds okay to me. But most of the time, the tone with which the word is used is more in the vein of justification.


I think that’s what bothers me. Maybe the idea of “deserving” something, good or bad, has become a slick way to slip out of speaking or acting with integrity.


Could there be a better way to own up to our motivations, emotions, shortcomings, and desires?


Is there a deeper, more mature response?


I deserve to know.




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